


NEWS Gets the Swine Flu (Wrong)

by embarrassing old stuff from LJ pre-2015 (prevaricator)



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gen, stupidity. This may have been done before.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-18
Updated: 2009-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-15 12:05:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prevaricator/pseuds/embarrassing%20old%20stuff%20from%20LJ%20pre-2015
Summary: Shige is pretty sure that this isn't what swine flu is supposed to be.





	

**NEWS Gets the Swine Flu (Wrong)**  
PG, Gen, 645 words  
Warning: Crack, stupidity. This may have been done before.  
A/N: Because I really think Japan is being unreasonable about this flu.

Shige is pretty sure that this isn't what swine flu is supposed to be.

When Massu first hears about the swine flu, he turns to Shige with worried eyes and says, “Shige, I’ve eaten pork from Mexico recently, am I going to get swine flu?”

“You don’t get swine flu from eating pork,” Shige says, sounding exasperated (but everyone knows he likes to show off his brains). “You’re more likely to get it from another human.”

“If I were Massu, I’d be more worried about encephalitis!” Tegoshi declares.

“What’s that?” Massu asks, looking worried again.

“Nothing you need to worry about,” Shige says. “Tegoshi, stop scaring Massu.”

Tegoshi just laughs.

 

Some time later, Massu notices an increase in appetite. He isn’t sure when it started, because he always eats a lot. But one day at a family restaurant, he looks at all the dishes around him and thinks that he probably normally doesn’t eat this much. Two salads and five entrees is kind of a lot.

Tegoshi and Shige, sitting across from him, have been staring with their mouths agape since they finished their food, two hours ago.

“Um, do I normally eat this much?” Massu asks.

Tegoshi and Shige shake their heads, looking horrified.

Massu decides to blame it on recent extra dance practice.

 

Two days later when he shows up to work, Shige and Tegoshi stare at him again. This time, Koyama and Ryo join them. The sudden silence in the room wakes Yamapi from his nap on the couch. He looks blearily at Massu.

“Oh, Massu actually turned into a pig!” He says, then goes back to sleep.

“Huh?” Massu says.

Koyama pulls him over to the mirror.

“Huh?” Massu repeats. He now has pig ears and a pig nose. He panics.

Shige and Koyama get into a debate over whether this constitutes swine flu.

“I’m telling you, swine flu is just a regular flu! Actually, it’s not even as bad as a regular flu! It has nothing to do with turning into a pig!” Shige declares.

“Maybe that’s just something they say to keep people from panicking!” Koyama frets.

“Who is ‘they,’ exactly?”

“Would you two stop arguing? We have a problem here!” Ryo yells at them, from across the room.

“So we can see!” Shige shouts back, without bothering to look.

“No really, it’s getting worse!” Tegoshi says.

Koyama and Shige turn around to find that Masuda has become much shorter than he already was.

Two hours later, Massu is 100% pig.

Everyone panics.

Yamapi finally wakes up for real, and wants to know why there’s a pig in the room. The others explain.

“I thought that was just a dream!” Yamapi yells, confused.

 

A passing manager looks in to see what the commotion is. He sees a pig, and five distraught NEWS members. He runs off to tell Johnny.

Johnny quarantines NEWS in their dressing room until further notice, and asks the manager to keep quiet.

By four the next morning, all of NEWS has turned into swine. Johnny tries to keep it quiet until he figures out what to do, but a young and excitable junior overhears him talking on the phone with a doctor.

The junior runs and tells Nakamaru, who panics. Forty three minutes after that, the entire Jimusho knows.

 

Kanjani8 and Akanishi Jin are the first people to sneak into NEWS’ dressing room. (Who would expect anyone to stay away?)

Jin immediately goes and starts cuddling with the pig with the blank stare. Subaru goes over to the small, angry looking one and tries to ride it like a horse.

“I’m not a horse! Get off me!” Ryo tries to yell, but it just comes out as, “Oink oooink! Oooooink!”

He flops on his side to knock Subaru off.

Then Aiba walks in. NEWS take one collective look at him and make for the door in a big pink stampede.

Two days later, all of JE have become pigs. 

*So, so far as I can tell, they don't actually refer to it as swine flu in Japan, but we're going to ignore that, okay?


End file.
